Saturday, 2 May 2015

Meeting my birth mother

I (Eve) got married in 2010 and shortly after my Birth Mother asked – via the appropriate channels – to meet with me. Everybody who mattered to me in the world warned me not to do it but like a fool I went ahead anyway. 

As I wrote in the newsletter I used to author - “I have decided that I WILL have further contact with my BM and that gradually and carefully I will meet with other family members. It wasn't an easy decision to make. It was so tempting to be full of anger towards her and to just walk away. The truth is I couldn't go the rest of my life wondering what it would be like to have a family of my own. All the people that love me for who I am are supporting me in this decision although they are clearly worried that I might get hurt again.” 

A week later I wrote to a few of my closest friends.

“Ella was right and I was wrong. My BMs idea of a meeting is one that was to be held at a place and time to suit her with no attempt to see if it suited me. It was to be refereed (or facilitated or whatever) by somebody she has paid for and whom she knows through her work. She also wanted a formal agenda - written by her of course with no attempt to ask me for input. I refused to meet on was what basically her home territory and with her choice of impartial facilitator (impartial as in my BM already knew her and was paying her to be there). In the end we agreed to meet at the Country Park and agreed that I could bring a supporter with me. I arrived at the appointed meeting place ten minutes early and waited until my BM arrived nearly 15 minutes late - sharing her car with the so-called impartial facilitator who hadn't been invited!

Exactly as people dear to me had predicted she then started to read out what was clearly a prepared statement. Within a couple of minutes it became clear that the statement was going to be some variation on “blame on both sides”, “I have said sorry, what more do you want”, “I did what seemed best at the time” and “this is all very upsetting to me”. She was most put out when after 3 minutes I stopped her.

But once we moved away from her prepared script and the chat became unrehearsed I actually started to quite like her. I know a bit more about where she is coming from and she knows a bit more about how I am feeling. I shared bits about when I was very short of money at university and how it feels to have no parents to come to your graduation day. Not to make her feel guilty but to show her why I cannot just pretend that nothing has gone wrong between us.

She has explained why my Birth Father doesn’t want to see me and although I feel quite shocked and hurt by this there isn’t much I can do. Perhaps in time he will change his mind?”
Five years later people still ask me did I regret meeting my Birth Mother - the answer remains unchanged - on balance YES!

1 comment:

  1. I have hoped one day Buddy will get to see his birth Mom again, but you made me realize that things aren't as simple as I'd like when it comes to reunions. Thanks so much for sharing and being so honest and open. I always learn so much from both of you.